Swallow
by aumontalc
Summary: Jackson's POV during the first half of Season 10.


_Say something, I'm giving up on you._

_I'll be the one, if you want me to._

_Anywhere, I would've followed you._

_Say something, I'm giving up on you._

Jackson couldn't shake the conversation he'd had earlier with Stephanie regarding April and the wedding invitations. He'd learned long ago that when it came to April a lot of what she did just didn't make sense. And more often than not when you asked her for an explanation it still didn't alleviate any of the confusion. Hell, he was still trying to figure out her dessert metaphor from a year ago. But in this case, Jackson felt he needed a reason as to why April hadn't just invited him. Why two invitations? She knew about him and Stephanie. He'd even told her about introducing Stephanie to his mother. She knew. So why was she doing this? Something wasn't right.

Finding her at the nurses' stations, he walked towards her and came to a halt right beside her, gently bumping into her. "So you realize that Stephanie and I are serious...you get that right?"

She knew. She had to know.

"Yeah...yeah. It's nice that you guys are you know whatever you are," April replied.

Jackson shook his head. April obviously didn't believe he and Stephanie were serious. Apparently if you weren't engaged, your relationship wasn't much in April's eyes. Choosing to ignore her cattiness, Jackson continued, "Right...So why did you invite Stephanie plus a guest and me plus a guest? What's going on?"

A smile spread across April's face that Jackson knew was 100% fake. He'd known her for long enough to know her facial expressions like the back of his hand. And the smiley face and cheery attitude were complete and utter BS.

"About that...I wanted to talk to you about that. You are actually not getting an invitation, but Stephanie is so you can just be her plus one."

That's not the whole story. She's hiding something.

Cocking his head to the side in query, he murmured, "Mmmhmm."

Jackson grinned inwardly as April's voice squeaked out. Here was the real April. The woman who gets nervous when faced with what she perceives as unpleasantness. The woman who was honest almost to a fault.

"Look, I put your name on the invite list. Your name is Avery. We don't know any other A's. You're literally the top of the list, first thing we see when we look at it. I just...I didn't wanna rub it in Matthew's face."

April went from nervous to worried as Jackson watched her bite down on her lower lip. Damn, this whole thing was messed up. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't they go back to the way things used to be?

"If he has a problem with my name on a piece of paper, why should I be at this wedding?"

What was up with the guy anyway? It wasn't like he was trying to take April away from Matthew. He didn't pine after her. He wasn't trying to rekindle their relationship. What they had was dead, over, done with. Sure they'd almost kissed months ago, but that had been about friendship. He had been comforting her like old times. If Alex hadn't walked in, he would have just given her a friendly peck. That was all. And what happened after the bus explosion was nothing really. Just a moment of weakness on April's part.

"Because of me. Because you're my friend and I want you to be there."

That vulnerable look was there, on her face. The one that simultaneously enraged him and melted his determination all in one breath. It angered him because he wanted more for April. He wanted her to stop doubting herself, to stand up for herself. But it also made him want to protect her. He hated seeing that look on her face. In the past, he would do anything to keep April from making that expression. Hug her, rub her knee, punch Alex, give her a pep talk, kiss her, anything to make her feel better, to make her feel special and loved.

"Yeah, well," he whispered. "I wanna be there too...Come on..."

"I...I can't go through with this if I don't have your blessing," April pleaded.

What did she mean by that? His blessing? Jackson felt his anger rise at her words. She hadn't needed his blessing when she'd accepted Matthew's proposal the first time nor when she stuck with Matthew after he'd told her off after the bus explosion. Jackson didn't know what kind of game she was playing but he was going to sit this one out. He'd had his turn on the field before and he'd come back battered and bruised. No, he was done. He wasn't going to get himself into this trap again. He had moved on. It was time she did too.

"Well, you have it," Jackson answered, a little harshly even to his own ears. "Alright. But I don't think I should be there."

Walking off, Jackson realized that he should feel sad that he wasn't going to be able to attend his best friend's wedding. Oddly enough, all he felt was an overwhelming sense of relief.

* * *

><p><em>And I am feeling so small.<em>

_It was over my head_

_I know nothing at all._

"Oh, we don't have to go to Kepner's wedding. I talked to her. We don't have to worry about any of it."

Thank goodness. The last thing he wanted to deal with was the uneasiness he felt in the pit of his stomach whenever he thought about April getting married.

Stephanie, unwilling to drop the matter so easily, asked, "Why?"

"It's just simpler," Jackson answered, hoping she would just drop it.

"You know I have this patient..."

Jackson half listened as she rambled on about her patients' extremely odd personal lives. Stephanie was trying to make some point about him and April, but it was a bit of a reach.

"That's what it looks like when people are over each other," she said, concluding her story.

Well, her patients weren't him and April. He and April hadn't started new relationships completely devoid of feelings for one another. There'd been baggage, a lot of it. He'd started his thing with Stephanie in hopes of forgetting about April. And April, well April, continued with an engagement even after she confessed her feelings for him. So their split wasn't what one would call normal. There was still stuff in the way. Feelings of bitterness at the way April treated him, at the way their friendship had changed, that he just couldn't get past, no matter how hard he tried.

"You think that I should be hugging Matthew?" he asked incredulously.

"Why aren't we going to the wedding?" Stephanie asked, point blank.

Jackson sighed. "Because my name starts with A. Because April is neurotic. Because Matthew and I do not hug. And no it's not gonna be comfortable. It's awkward, frankly, it's probably gonna be awkward forever, but that doesn't mean it isn't over between us because it is. It's important to me that you believe that." If only he could get himself to believe it as well.

Leaning down, he did what he'd learned years ago to do when he'd wanted a girl to stop talking, he kissed her. He'd always said he never used his looks or his sexuality to get his way, but that was a bald faced lie. He knew exactly what to do, what to say, how to make his eyes gleam in just the right way to get what he wanted, to get out of trouble. Except his moves had rarely worked on April. She'd known him too long as a friend. She knew exactly what he was doing and was practically immune to his charms. April had most definitely been in charge of the relationship. She always got what she wanted and he always, without exception, caved.

Well, not anymore. He was with someone who was easy, who wasn't neurotic, who was dependable. It didn't take work to be with Stephanie. They just were. Sure, what he had with April was far more passionate and intense, but then again, he had been crazy in love with her. He'd been attracted to her like a moth to a flame. No matter how many times she'd swatted at him, he'd always come back for more. Until one day he got a little of his self-respect back and ended things with her.

Him telling April that he and Stephanie were serious might have been more wishful thinking than actual truth. But he was trying. Trying to make something of him and Stephanie. Something simple. Something reliable and predictable. Stephanie would never pull the rug out from under him. She would always be there, even keeled and mellow. No, he wasn't in love with her, but he cared about her and enjoyed being with her. Surely that was enough to make a lasting relationship. April was able to move on. Why couldn't he?

No, there would be no more talk of the awful mess that was him, April and Matthew. Even if he wanted to discuss it, he wouldn't know what to say. His stomach tied in knots whenever he thought about April as Matthew's wife. How was he going to explain that to his girlfriend when he couldn't even explain it to himself? No, it was better to just push away those kind of thoughts and focus on things he could actually control.

* * *

><p><em>And I will stumble and fall.<em>

_I'm still learning to love_

_Just starting to crawl._

Jackson shook his head at the mess that was his patient's neck. That dumb ass Matthew had been so gung-ho to help, to prove himself that he hadn't even stopped to think maybe he shouldn't be the one slicing into this man's neck, maybe he should wait on the highly trained surgeon standing next to him. But no, Mr. Boy Scout Paramedic just had to trach away without a care. Now, he was going to be in surgery for hours cleaning up after that fool. At least April was here to pass the time with him.

Looking up at her, he noticed that her brow was furrowed. "You yelled at Matthew in front of my sisters," she accused. "Now, they're gonna think I'm engaged to a nitwit."

Jackson smiled for a second beneath his mask. Nitwit. That was a good name for Matthew.

"Alright, Ducky," he replied jokingly.

"Don't call me Ducky!" April snapped, taking Jackson aback a little. Wow, the wedding must really be taking a toll on her. She wasn't usually this waspish.

"OK," Jackson replied, treading lightly.

Sighing, April explained, "It means Ugly Duckling because I grew up with braces and pimples. And they still see me that way. It's like...an idiot incapable of doing anything right...I'm a freaking trauma surgeon!"

It was like a light bulb went off in his head. Jackson finally understood why April was the way April was. All her ramblings, her insecurities, her propensity to cry, all of it was because of the way she was treated as a child. And if anyone could understand growing up with your family having low expectations of you, it was him. Of course, his family hadn't ragged on him for his looks, but they sure as hell didn't think he was gonna make much of himself. A model, yes. A doctor, no. It had felt damn good when he'd proved them wrong, showed them that he could be something.

Wanting to comfort her, he did the one thing he could do, he fibbed. "He did a great job. Actually I would have done the same thing." If I were an untrained idiot like him.

Eyes hopeful, April asked, "Matthew was right?"

"Yep," he lied, looking straight in her eyes. "You should go spread the word. You are not engaged to a nitwit. You know what this is actually gonna be a pretty easy fix. So why don't you just go ahead and go. I got it."

"Really? I was kind of hoping that I could hide out here all day."

As much as he would personally love that, there was no way his lie would hold up if she stayed. He was going to be working on this guy for hours. Besides her family was here. As annoying as they were, they were still family. She should be hanging out with them instead.

"They came all this way to see you. You should go. You're always on my case about spending time with my mom when she comes to Seattle. It's time you got a little taste of your own advice."

April looked a bit dejected, but she nodded her head and set down her scalpel. "Yeah, you're right. If they don't drive you crazy, they're not family. You sure you've got this?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks," April said. Standing on tip toe, she kissed him on the cheek. "You're the best."

"I know. Now, get out of here."

Well, his plans were ruined for the night all thanks to that dumb ass paramedic. He should be more upset, but for some reason he couldn't keep a smile off his face.

* * *

><p><em>Say something, I'm giving up on you.<em>

_I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you._

_Anywhere, I would've followed you._

_Say something, I'm giving up on you._

Jackson rounded the corner and found Matthew waiting for him.

"You owe me an apology," the other man said. "April said you would have done exactly what I did."

Was this guy for real? If he thought he was going to apologize, then the man was completely delusional. Like he would ever apologize to him. Yeah, that was a negatory. Jackson didn't know what it was about this guy that got up his craw, but he was about to deliver some home truths. Matthew had pulled a dick move yesterday and he should know that his actions had consequences.

"Yeah, yeah I told April that. But the truth is that you messed up this guy's neck and I spent 8 hours fixing it yesterday. So how about a thank you. How about you should have waited one second for the surgeon standing right next to you. I mean what was that? You thought you had to be the big man out there. I mean you feel threatened by me...?"

Why else would the guy be on his case?

"No. I don't feel threatened by you. I was trying to save the guy's life."

Realizing he had gotten himself a little wound up, Jackson took a breath to calm down "Great. So was I," he admitted.

"OK, I don't have a problem with you."

Jackson realized he didn't have a problem with the other man either, but for some reason he still didn't like him. Something he found a bit odd because in a weird way the man reminded him of his old friend Charles Percy. Charles had been a big, dorky doof just like Matthew, but Charles had been alright once he'd gotten to know him. He hadn't known him that well at Mercy West, but once they'd transferred to Seattle Grace they'd gotten to be better friends. Jackson had the feeling that if it wasn't for April that he and Matthew could have become buddies. But there was always going to be that awkwardness between them, because of her. "I...I don't have a problem with you either man," he replied as he shook Matthew's hand.

"Hope to see you at the wedding," Matthew remarked as he made his way to leave.

Startled, Jackson stammered, "I...I don't know if I'm actually gonna be able to make it."

"I know it would mean a lot to April if you could...Since we're good you should definitely come."

Jackson stared in the distance after Matthew had left, pondering what the other man had just said. Go to the wedding? He wasn't sure if he could. It had been more comfortable to hide behind Matthew's dislike of him and use that as an excuse as to why he couldn't attend. With that no longer an issue, he had no real reason to not attend April's wedding. So why did he feel so squeamish about going? Why couldn't he just be happy for her? Despite what had happened between them, she was still his closest friend. So why didn't he want to go to her wedding? Jackson nervously swallowed. He had a feeling he didn't want to find out.

* * *

><p>Jackson was headed to the elevator to visit a patient on the 4th floor. Reading his patient's file as he walked, he let out an "Oof," when he ran into someone. Glancing up, he found that someone was April.<p>

He couldn't keep a smile off his face as he said, "Wow, you look..."

April shook her head. "No, nope, don't say I look nice."

That hadn't been what he was thinking at all. Never one to miss an opportunity to ruffle her feathers, he teased, "like a train wreck, but I can see where it's going." Then, he realized something. It was her wedding day. She should be wherever brides are when they get ready. "Um, what are you doing here?"

"I'm hunting bridesmaids."

"Now, is that a farm tradition?" he asked, smiling at his own joke.

Suddenly, April blurted, "Are you gonna be there?"

The smile was immediately wiped off his face as he contemplated her question. He really didn't want to go to her wedding, but it was April. He didn't have the best track record when it came to saying no to her.

"I totally understand if you're not. I just..."

"Do you want me to be there?" he asked, half hoping she would change her mind and say no.

"Yes! Of course!" April replied emphatically.

"Then, I'll be there." She was his friend. He wouldn't be a very good one if he told her no. He would just have to suck it up and deal with it. He didn't have to like it, but he would have to go.

"Thank you," April replied, looking relieved.

"Alright," he said, intending to keep things as normal as possible. He reached to give her a hug.

"OK. Wait...you know...the hair is..." April sputtered.

"OK," Jackson said, before they both went their separate ways. Trying to hug her had been an epic fail.

* * *

><p>"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there." Jackson repeated the words his mentor and friend, Mark Sloan, had told him over a year ago to Stephanie as they operated.<p>

He didn't know why the words had suddenly come to him. Something about this patient and his wife struck something within him. They made him wistful, made him long for the type of relationship they had.

Stephanie whispered, "That's nice."

It was at that moment that Jackson realized that however fun and comfortable his relationship with Stephanie was that it was never going to be serious.

* * *

><p>Leaving his patient's room, Jackson remembered Sloan's words for the second time that day. This time they took on a whole new meaning after what had happened to his patient. Life was short. Life was precious. Love while you could was what Sloan had basically told him.<p>

He did love. He loved someone who was not his to love. Yet that did not stop him from entertaining the thought of telling her his true feelings. He loved her. He had always loved her. He couldn't pinpoint the moment when he'd started loving her. It was as if his feelings had always been there. She was the one he loved. No matter how hard he'd tried to move on with Stephanie. No matter how many times he'd told himself and even April that he was over her. It just wasn't true. His feelings were always there in the back of his mind, haunting him with the potential of what he and April could have been. He would always and forever love only her.

That didn't mean he had any right to speak up and tell her how he felt. Much to his dismay, the time had passed for telling her how he felt. He should have said something after the bus explosion. Instead he'd let his wounded pride speak for him. He'd lashed out at April when he should have pulled her into his arms and never let her go. The opportunity was missed. As much as he loved her, he would never do anything to ruin her happiness. If it was any day other than her wedding day, he might consider going to her and telling her how he felt. But as it was he would have to suffer the consequences. Jackson resolved to stifle the voice in his head that urged him to action. A voice that sounded familiarly like Mark Sloan's. No, he would have to cut his losses and accept that these feelings would never go away. At least, he wasn't alone, he still had Stephanie. Looking up, he realized that Stephanie had been trying to say something to him. "What?" he asked, slightly dazed.

She'd looked like she'd been about to tell him something serious. "It's nothing," she said. "Never mind."

* * *

><p><em>Say something, I'm giving up on you.<em>

_And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you._

_And anywhere, I would have followed you._

_Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you._

"Aw, mint to be! Cute!" Stephanie exclaimed as she picked up a tin box of mints.

Picking up a cardboard box next to the tins, Jackson asked, "What is in these?"

"Oh, we're supposed to open those when they kiss."

By the time Stephanie finished speaking, Jackson had already opened the box and muttered an "Oh, crap," as a butterfly flew out.

Butterflies? She'd wanted to get married in a field of butterflies.A pang of sadness hit him as he remembered the short lived happiness of his engagement to April.

"Nice, you just ruined Kepner's wedding."

"Huh?" he asked, aware that Stephanie had spoken but not exactly sure of what she'd said.

"Come on," she motioned towards the door of the barn. In a daze, he followed her to their seats.

* * *

><p>Jackson watched as Arizona, Meredith and Cristina walked down the aisle. Then, the wedding march began and everyone stood up. Looking at the entrance of the barn, he saw April with her father. He smiled. He could do nothing else. She looked absolutely beautiful, radiant with joy. She looked happy. He was happy that his friend was happy.<p>

His eyes met hers as she passed. It reminded him of when Matthew had proposed to her. Her eyes had searched for his in the crown, seeking his approval, his reassurance. Of course, he would always approve anything that made April happy. For some reason, she always looked to him when she made decisions or needed help. She always relied on him to give her advice or provide assistance or be a shoulder to cry on. But she would have to stop doing that now. Matt would be her husband. Matt should be the one she goes to when things aren't right in her world.

A line needed to be drawn in their relationship. For his peace of mind, if not for her marriage. Even though Matt said he didn't have a problem with him, he would be bound to resent him if he noticed how often April went to him for things. When she came back from her honeymoon, he would have to tell her that things had changed between them. When they were single, they had been able to be close friends, but after she married it just wouldn't look right. People would think it was weird.

The pastor started praying and other than Shepherd's phone going off, everything was going off without a hitch. He was happy for her. Man, he was having to tell himself that a lot today. It was becoming a mantra that he said to keep his true feelings at bay.

Jackson realized that the pastor had finished praying and that the ceremony was truly beginning to start. This wedding was actually happening. At the end of it, Matthew and April would really be husband and wife.

The pastor asked the guests, "Will you promise to love and support their marriage in all the days to come? If so, please respond we will."

April was looking at him again. She was happy, so damn happy, so content and at peace. Yet, damn it all, her eyes had to stray to him again. It was always going to be like this between them. They would always be emotionally dependent on one another. And he wanted to be happy for her, he really did. He wanted to be altruistic and let her marry Matthew and live happily ever after. But what about him? What about his happiness? If he joined the chorus of other voices saying "We will," then he would never know true happiness. And from the way April kept looking at him for approval, he doubted she would either.

Turning to Stephanie, he said, "I, uh..."

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

* * *

><p><em>Say something, I'm giving up on you.<em>

_Say something..._

After whispering his apology to Stephanie, Jackson stood up and headed toward the middle of the aisle. Looking around he realized what a terrible decision that was. He didn't even have a plan. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? Everyone was just staring at him. He looked like an ass for getting up in the middle of the ceremony. The pastor stopped speaking. April turned and looked at him confused as to why he would stand up. Matthew also turned, but his eyes were wary, suspicious. Quickly sitting back down, Jackson tried to steady his heartbeat.

At this moment, he was feeling two emotions very keenly - humiliation and fear. Fear of censure from his coworkers and friends had made him sit back down. But another fear, a fear of losing the one person that meant the most to him settled over him, making him realize how bleak his future would be. If he didn't say something, April would marry this guy. If she did, then he would never get to kiss her, hold her in his arms, or make love to her ever again. She wouldn't be his wife, wouldn't be the mother of his children, and wouldn't be the one he grew old with.

Jackson felt like he was having a near death experience because a series of memories flashed through his mind - the first time he'd met her at the interns' dinner, their first patient together, their move to Seattle Grace, her tear-stained face after the debacle with Karev, their first kiss, the soft expression in her eyes the first time they'd made love, the rushed but nonetheless mind-blowing moments in the bathroom stall, her return to Seattle Grace, the time that she'd thought she was pregnant - his initial fear and then peace and acceptance of the situation, April telling him that she missed him, her reaction to the bus explosion, her telling him that she wanted him and a myriad of other moments that had passed between the two of them over the years that he'd known her. All of it whizzed before his eyes. He was determined now. The fear of losing April was too real for him not to speak up.

Just as the pastor began speaking again, Jackson stood up for a second time. This time there was no turning back.

"I love you...April. I always have," he began, his eyes transfixed on April. Charging on, despite the rapid pounding of his heart and the whispers and shocked glances from everyone in the room, he continued and said what he should have told her ages ago, "I love everything about you...Even the things I don't like, I love...And I want you with me. I love you and I think that you love me too...Do you?"

There. He'd said it. After over a year of denying his feelings for her, the truth was out at last. He'd told her how he felt. It was the worst possible time and the worst possible way, but it couldn't be helped. Telling her now was his only option.

The seconds ticked by after his last words. His eyes never veered from her. She looked at her bridesmaids, snuck a quick peek at Matthew and finally rested her eyes on his once more. She looked shocked, scared, worried. Her facial expressions were giving him no clue as to how she felt about him. She was still too busy processing and dealing with the shock of his badly timed proclamation.

The more seconds passed, the more Jackson grew afraid. What if she didn't love him? What if she wanted Matthew instead? What if she never wanted to speak to him again after he ruined her wedding? If she wasn't in his life in some capacity, he didn't know what he would do.

He swallowed nervously. His life was in the balance until she spoke.

And all he could do was wait.


End file.
